well last week i officially registered for my first 5k race - the turkey trot on thanksgiving morning. i was so stoked about it because i really felt that this was exactly what i needed to do. i say "felt" because in the past couple of days my "feelings" have changed. i have been feeling discouraged & overwhelmed. i feel that my body, the weather, my schedule, & just circumstances have interfered & my running frequency & speeds have suffered. so i find myself doubting...asking myself "what were you thinking, signing up for an actual race?"
then today i get up & get all ready to run only to look out the window & see the rain. now, i'm not against getting a little wet - but my running partner (my iphone) can not be out in this weather. this however is the means by which i can listen to music & track my distance, speed, & time. chris (my husband & problem solver) encourages me to take an old ipod, strap it under my sweatshirt & just go run. my excuse for this was "well then, who is going to tell me that i did good or bad or whatever?" and he said "you did good. now go run."
so out into the rain i went...still frustrated. as i ran, i began to think through my doubts & feelings about this race. as i played back the whole registration process & tried to remember what made me do it, i realized that running this race is a "desire of my heart" that GOD has given me. it is now up to me to let go of these doubts & fears & live this dream out.
it is a real probability that i will not win. it is possible that i may be one of the slowest. but it is reality that i am going to show up & run. i'm going to remember that "i can do all things through CHRIST who gives me strength." (phil. 4.13) because if GOD said it, it's the truth - no matter how i feel.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
ok, so i do miss joe
since i retired from teaching in may 2010, i really haven't missed it much - not the work or the stuff or the school in general. i feel confident in the decision that GOD led me to make in leaving dca to stay home with my family. i do miss people though & have talked, blogged, & shared about that with many...but i just realized last week that there is one thing that i do miss terribly, and that is joe patterson...field.
joe is not a person - in this case. joe is the stadium field where dca plays all of their home football games. it is named for joe patterson, a former coach & contributor to the wildcat football program. but for 15 years this field was "home" to me & the band i led. most people can grasp that a football player or coach can become attached in a very personal & emotional way to their home field. i believe the band can as well...& i am certain that the director can.
i miss the grass & the fact that as much time & energy as they spend to make it look fantastic, it still has some weathered & worn spots because it's on a flood plain. i love how it looks under the lights at night, but i am equally in awe at how it looks in the middle of a school day - when it's peaceful & quiet...like the field of battle before the fight. i love the blue bleachers, the brick, & the newer stone walls. i love that the press box is on the wrong side...for real, it's over with the visitors. :) i love the way it smells - always like fresh spring grass after the rain...even when it's dry or cold.
but what i love the most about joe are all of the memories that flood my mind when i walk in - or even drive by. i led the band onto that field to perform at least 100 times...every time was not an epic memory, but there was the first time ever & the last; the first game after 9/11; the one we played in the hurricane; & the homecoming games where we played "endless love" - endlessly. there were some fantastic wins & some devastating losses. some of the most phenomenal (SUPERIOR) performances by the band were on this field - because there's no pressure; you're playing at home. and because of these memories, and many more, coach goodwin allowed chris & i to renew our vows on this field for our 15th wedding anniversary (to the band playing "endless love"...of course).
so as i read through this list, i ponder whether i actually do miss all of this...but i don't think that's it. what i've realized, or the revelation here, is that i will always remember these amazing times - whenever i get to visit joe.
joe is not a person - in this case. joe is the stadium field where dca plays all of their home football games. it is named for joe patterson, a former coach & contributor to the wildcat football program. but for 15 years this field was "home" to me & the band i led. most people can grasp that a football player or coach can become attached in a very personal & emotional way to their home field. i believe the band can as well...& i am certain that the director can.
i miss the grass & the fact that as much time & energy as they spend to make it look fantastic, it still has some weathered & worn spots because it's on a flood plain. i love how it looks under the lights at night, but i am equally in awe at how it looks in the middle of a school day - when it's peaceful & quiet...like the field of battle before the fight. i love the blue bleachers, the brick, & the newer stone walls. i love that the press box is on the wrong side...for real, it's over with the visitors. :) i love the way it smells - always like fresh spring grass after the rain...even when it's dry or cold.
but what i love the most about joe are all of the memories that flood my mind when i walk in - or even drive by. i led the band onto that field to perform at least 100 times...every time was not an epic memory, but there was the first time ever & the last; the first game after 9/11; the one we played in the hurricane; & the homecoming games where we played "endless love" - endlessly. there were some fantastic wins & some devastating losses. some of the most phenomenal (SUPERIOR) performances by the band were on this field - because there's no pressure; you're playing at home. and because of these memories, and many more, coach goodwin allowed chris & i to renew our vows on this field for our 15th wedding anniversary (to the band playing "endless love"...of course).
so as i read through this list, i ponder whether i actually do miss all of this...but i don't think that's it. what i've realized, or the revelation here, is that i will always remember these amazing times - whenever i get to visit joe.
Monday, September 5, 2011
stand firm
i am currently involved in a women's bible study by angela thomas. i have learned so much & enjoy the dvd "messages" each week. but this past week, angela made a point that has continued to run through my mind all week. she re-told the ancient account of the exodus of the israelites. permit me to recap:
so GOD's people are in bondage to the egyptians & moses is told - by GOD - to go to pharaoh & ask him to release the israelites. pharaoh is not keen on this idea (because GOD has "hardened his heart" - ex. 7. 3) and says "no"...multiple times. cue various plagues - water turns to blood, frogs everywhere, gnats everywhere, flies everywhere, all egyptian livestock dies, boils on man & livestock, hail, locusts everywhere, every first born of egyptian people & livestock killed. and now, pharaoh says "get out!" so the israelites prepare to leave. but they don't just flee, they pack up their food & supplies and even "plundered the egyptians" taking "whatever they asked for" (ex. 12.36). so they are now loaded down with food, herds, gold, silver, all sorts of supplies, etc. - wildly blessed. they praise GOD for this deliverance.
however, within a very short amount of time they find themselves in a predicament. they are on the edge of the red sea. this situation wouldn't have been so menacing except for that now pharaoh has decided that he shouldn't have let them go & is pursuing them with his entire army on horses & chariots. now GOD's people are faced with a crisis: giant body of water in front, pharaoh's army behind...their natural response is "hey moses, were there just not enough graves in egypt that you had to bring us out here to die?" (ex. 14.11 - my paraphrase) but moses responds with a solid affirmation of faith: "do not be afraid. stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today." (ex. 14.13)
ok, so if you've heard the story before, you already know what GOD is about to do. HE's going to show up BIG & part the sea. literally. the israelites will walk across on "dry land" with walls of water on each side. that's crazy! sometimes i think we forget how AWESOME this is. but here's where angela's point floored me. she said "i am pretty sure that as the israelites are standing at the edge, worrying, fretting, & trying to figure this out, not one of them thought 'if GOD would just part the sea, then we could walk across'". this didn't even cross their minds! would you have thought it up? you see, they were scared & nervous & unsure about their future. they know they can't get across the sea on their own & they stand no chance against the egyptian army. so i imagine them standing there trying to figure out a way that GOD could save them - like we do so often. "maybe if we could get some of these supplies that GOD allowed us to take from egypt & fashion some sort of bridge..." "maybe we could split up & start heading around sea, ya know, do something to distract the egyptian army..." they were probably even praying something like "GOD, help us to build this bridge so we can get away from certain death."
but you see, moses told them "do not be afraid. stand firm & you will see the deliverance of the LORD". i think that so many times i come up with ways that GOD can deliver me from the crisis' in my life. i give HIM options...how ridiculous is that? instead, i believe that HE is saying "stop fretting & trying to figure it all out. stand firm, beloved & watch me show up in a way that you could never even imagine!"
since my GOD can part the red sea, i know that HE can do something BIG in my life today! so i will stand firm.
so GOD's people are in bondage to the egyptians & moses is told - by GOD - to go to pharaoh & ask him to release the israelites. pharaoh is not keen on this idea (because GOD has "hardened his heart" - ex. 7. 3) and says "no"...multiple times. cue various plagues - water turns to blood, frogs everywhere, gnats everywhere, flies everywhere, all egyptian livestock dies, boils on man & livestock, hail, locusts everywhere, every first born of egyptian people & livestock killed. and now, pharaoh says "get out!" so the israelites prepare to leave. but they don't just flee, they pack up their food & supplies and even "plundered the egyptians" taking "whatever they asked for" (ex. 12.36). so they are now loaded down with food, herds, gold, silver, all sorts of supplies, etc. - wildly blessed. they praise GOD for this deliverance.
however, within a very short amount of time they find themselves in a predicament. they are on the edge of the red sea. this situation wouldn't have been so menacing except for that now pharaoh has decided that he shouldn't have let them go & is pursuing them with his entire army on horses & chariots. now GOD's people are faced with a crisis: giant body of water in front, pharaoh's army behind...their natural response is "hey moses, were there just not enough graves in egypt that you had to bring us out here to die?" (ex. 14.11 - my paraphrase) but moses responds with a solid affirmation of faith: "do not be afraid. stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today." (ex. 14.13)
ok, so if you've heard the story before, you already know what GOD is about to do. HE's going to show up BIG & part the sea. literally. the israelites will walk across on "dry land" with walls of water on each side. that's crazy! sometimes i think we forget how AWESOME this is. but here's where angela's point floored me. she said "i am pretty sure that as the israelites are standing at the edge, worrying, fretting, & trying to figure this out, not one of them thought 'if GOD would just part the sea, then we could walk across'". this didn't even cross their minds! would you have thought it up? you see, they were scared & nervous & unsure about their future. they know they can't get across the sea on their own & they stand no chance against the egyptian army. so i imagine them standing there trying to figure out a way that GOD could save them - like we do so often. "maybe if we could get some of these supplies that GOD allowed us to take from egypt & fashion some sort of bridge..." "maybe we could split up & start heading around sea, ya know, do something to distract the egyptian army..." they were probably even praying something like "GOD, help us to build this bridge so we can get away from certain death."
but you see, moses told them "do not be afraid. stand firm & you will see the deliverance of the LORD". i think that so many times i come up with ways that GOD can deliver me from the crisis' in my life. i give HIM options...how ridiculous is that? instead, i believe that HE is saying "stop fretting & trying to figure it all out. stand firm, beloved & watch me show up in a way that you could never even imagine!"
since my GOD can part the red sea, i know that HE can do something BIG in my life today! so i will stand firm.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
what i'm thinking...
for most of my adult life, if a friend or acquaintance said that they were running a marathon, i thought "wow! big stuff! pretty cool. good for you." i knew that it was a significant distance, but it honestly seemed inconceivable.
so i have identical twin sisters & they are both crazy into fitness & such. malia is into some kind of insane cross-fit, lift ridiculous amounts of weights & then army craw in the mud for a mile...or something like that, workout plan. mick's fitness is more "traditional". she has been my inspiration for running, but is also a cyclist & swimmer. so last week, mick states that she is going to participate in an "iron man" - that is swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and then run 26.2 miles (a marathon). as these numbers & the idea of these tasks are circling in my brain, i realize that of the 3 events, the running of the marathon is what makes me think my sister has lost her sweet mind. why? a 2.4 mile swim sounds crazy. a 112 mile bike ride is preposterous. but a 26.2 mile run...now that's UNBELIEVABLE!
see, because i have virtually zero experience biking or swimming, these 2 tasks seem almost fictional to me. it's like saying to me that you're going to fly a rocket to the moon. i totally believe it can be done & i assume that you know how to fly a rocket & have practiced this skill. i mean, the moon is really far away (238,857 miles), but if you know how to fly the rocket, my mind can comprehend you doing it. now, here's where i find myself...since i've been running, i understand what it takes to run 3 miles - which is about my max right now. so when my sister adds at the end of her crazy list "run 26.2 miles", it's like saying she's going to drive her car to the moon. it's impossible! i understand what it takes to drive a car. and i understand the distance to the moon in relation to the distances i drive everyday. and i am amazed! at my current rate of 3 miles a day, it would take me 8.73 days to finish a marathon! well, hopefully my rate & pace will increase, but right now, for me, running 26.2 miles is like driving to the moon.
honestly, not sure what the point is here...it's just what i'm thinking.
so i have identical twin sisters & they are both crazy into fitness & such. malia is into some kind of insane cross-fit, lift ridiculous amounts of weights & then army craw in the mud for a mile...or something like that, workout plan. mick's fitness is more "traditional". she has been my inspiration for running, but is also a cyclist & swimmer. so last week, mick states that she is going to participate in an "iron man" - that is swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and then run 26.2 miles (a marathon). as these numbers & the idea of these tasks are circling in my brain, i realize that of the 3 events, the running of the marathon is what makes me think my sister has lost her sweet mind. why? a 2.4 mile swim sounds crazy. a 112 mile bike ride is preposterous. but a 26.2 mile run...now that's UNBELIEVABLE!
see, because i have virtually zero experience biking or swimming, these 2 tasks seem almost fictional to me. it's like saying to me that you're going to fly a rocket to the moon. i totally believe it can be done & i assume that you know how to fly a rocket & have practiced this skill. i mean, the moon is really far away (238,857 miles), but if you know how to fly the rocket, my mind can comprehend you doing it. now, here's where i find myself...since i've been running, i understand what it takes to run 3 miles - which is about my max right now. so when my sister adds at the end of her crazy list "run 26.2 miles", it's like saying she's going to drive her car to the moon. it's impossible! i understand what it takes to drive a car. and i understand the distance to the moon in relation to the distances i drive everyday. and i am amazed! at my current rate of 3 miles a day, it would take me 8.73 days to finish a marathon! well, hopefully my rate & pace will increase, but right now, for me, running 26.2 miles is like driving to the moon.
honestly, not sure what the point is here...it's just what i'm thinking.
Friday, August 19, 2011
creation
creation - or nature - as we usually call it, has been an ever present reminder to me this summer of how cool my GOD is. since returning home from our vacation, i have felt the urge to share these creation encounters. so here goes...
as my faithful followers know, i'm kinda like a runner now & such. on various runs at the river house & at camp, i came ridiculously close to some of GOD's creatures that i would not normally get to see. one morning at camp, i almost ran over an armadillo - thinking it was a cat that would get out of the way. but he wasn't a cat & i am the one that changed trajectory. another early morning, as i ran through a particularly wooded area, i was feeling extra fatigued. when i'm feeling like that - like i might not make it - i've found that i have to change my gaze from the "road ahead" to the pavement immediately in front of my feet - one step at a time. so as i'm looking down, i happened to see something peripherally...it was a big ole deer...right there, like mere feet from my sweating, panting self. we eyed each other for a moment & then he (more likely a she) headed off to the tree line.
at the river house, chris & i went on a canoe ride one morning with papa. on this adventure, we saw 2 baby alligators. they were really not too big, but my thinking is that 'where there are babies, there is a mama!' we also came across a good sized turtle that had gotten himself stuck in between some rocks on the shore line. the river has been so low that i guess in his quest to reach the water, his shell got caught on the rock. so we steered over to him & chris used his paddle to pry him loose & put him in the water. (we call him the turtle hero.)
and then, what i think was the coolest finding actually came right to me. we had taken the boat to the boat ramp & then i drove our car back to the house while the boys brought the boat up the river. i went out to the dock to wait for them. the water was still & quiet. i stood there just taking in the peacefulness. and then, in an instant, the moment went from nice & regular to pretty much awe-inspiring & super cool. a manatee was right there in front of our dock. manatees have been more prevalent in the suwannee lately, but i had never seen one up close...until now. he was huge too - prob a good 10 or more feet. he just swam around there for about a minute or so & then went on his way. i tried to get some pictures, but they do not do his magnificence justice. later that week, another manatee (smaller - 6 feet or so) came up by our dock & our whole family got to see him.
as chris & i talked about our trip, we were reminded of just how awesome & powerful GOD's creation is. things like: the rise & fall of the river's water level & the creatures & plants & land that this affects, the rain that brings life or destruction, the crazy amount of growth our yard can have after 3 non-mowed weeks... i think that man is under the impression that he has nature under his control. creation is controlled by GOD & GOD alone. man may have figured out some ways to harness it from time to time, but it's really all about doing whatever the CREATOR says. ultimately, creation longs for the return of its SAVIOR (romans 8:19-22). what an awesome example creation is for me.
as my faithful followers know, i'm kinda like a runner now & such. on various runs at the river house & at camp, i came ridiculously close to some of GOD's creatures that i would not normally get to see. one morning at camp, i almost ran over an armadillo - thinking it was a cat that would get out of the way. but he wasn't a cat & i am the one that changed trajectory. another early morning, as i ran through a particularly wooded area, i was feeling extra fatigued. when i'm feeling like that - like i might not make it - i've found that i have to change my gaze from the "road ahead" to the pavement immediately in front of my feet - one step at a time. so as i'm looking down, i happened to see something peripherally...it was a big ole deer...right there, like mere feet from my sweating, panting self. we eyed each other for a moment & then he (more likely a she) headed off to the tree line.
at the river house, chris & i went on a canoe ride one morning with papa. on this adventure, we saw 2 baby alligators. they were really not too big, but my thinking is that 'where there are babies, there is a mama!' we also came across a good sized turtle that had gotten himself stuck in between some rocks on the shore line. the river has been so low that i guess in his quest to reach the water, his shell got caught on the rock. so we steered over to him & chris used his paddle to pry him loose & put him in the water. (we call him the turtle hero.)
and then, what i think was the coolest finding actually came right to me. we had taken the boat to the boat ramp & then i drove our car back to the house while the boys brought the boat up the river. i went out to the dock to wait for them. the water was still & quiet. i stood there just taking in the peacefulness. and then, in an instant, the moment went from nice & regular to pretty much awe-inspiring & super cool. a manatee was right there in front of our dock. manatees have been more prevalent in the suwannee lately, but i had never seen one up close...until now. he was huge too - prob a good 10 or more feet. he just swam around there for about a minute or so & then went on his way. i tried to get some pictures, but they do not do his magnificence justice. later that week, another manatee (smaller - 6 feet or so) came up by our dock & our whole family got to see him.
as chris & i talked about our trip, we were reminded of just how awesome & powerful GOD's creation is. things like: the rise & fall of the river's water level & the creatures & plants & land that this affects, the rain that brings life or destruction, the crazy amount of growth our yard can have after 3 non-mowed weeks... i think that man is under the impression that he has nature under his control. creation is controlled by GOD & GOD alone. man may have figured out some ways to harness it from time to time, but it's really all about doing whatever the CREATOR says. ultimately, creation longs for the return of its SAVIOR (romans 8:19-22). what an awesome example creation is for me.
Friday, August 12, 2011
from the other side
so a little over a year ago i gave up something that had been a MAJOR part of my life for 15 years. i was the band director at a private school here in nashville for all of that time & for lack of a better phrase, it was my life. (this is possibly the reason that GOD called me out of it...but not where i was going with this post today.) last year was a huge year of growth for me & my family. we did so many things differently & although there were some trials, it was a fantastic year. i did not miss my old life. i didn't miss being a band director. i don't think that people always believed me when i would tell them that, but it was (& still is) the truth. i do miss the people & relationships that i had at the school - the faculty, staff, students, & parents. i have maintained some friendships, but many have distanced themselves & seem to feel weird about being with or talking with me now that i'm not at the school.
enter the epitome of awkwardness...through a series of interesting events, this private school is allowing home school students to participate in their athletic & co-curricular activities. so my eldest, who is 100% in to all things music, enrolled in their marching band. the marching band that i started. the marching band that i directed for 15 years. the marching band that made the state championship finals with me 4 times. the marching band that i am no longer affiliated with. the marching band that i willingly gave up. my son is now a full fledged member of said marching band.
i am honestly at a loss for words at this thought...
...well, the marching season has just begun and as i find myself in the shoes of a band parent, overall, i love it! i get all the joy of watching & listening to the students improve & perform with none of the responsibility or stress. however, in my own insecurities, i feel like i'm in the spotlight every time i show up for a band meeting or function. and not the cool "i'm on stage" spotlight...i'm talking about the one that the old movies used to use on someone who was being interrogated for a crime? that kind of "in your face, what have you done" spotlight. maybe no one else is thinking this or feeling that my presence is out of place, but it is where i find myself right now...cheering on my son & his marching band from the other side of the fence.
enter the epitome of awkwardness...through a series of interesting events, this private school is allowing home school students to participate in their athletic & co-curricular activities. so my eldest, who is 100% in to all things music, enrolled in their marching band. the marching band that i started. the marching band that i directed for 15 years. the marching band that made the state championship finals with me 4 times. the marching band that i am no longer affiliated with. the marching band that i willingly gave up. my son is now a full fledged member of said marching band.
i am honestly at a loss for words at this thought...
...well, the marching season has just begun and as i find myself in the shoes of a band parent, overall, i love it! i get all the joy of watching & listening to the students improve & perform with none of the responsibility or stress. however, in my own insecurities, i feel like i'm in the spotlight every time i show up for a band meeting or function. and not the cool "i'm on stage" spotlight...i'm talking about the one that the old movies used to use on someone who was being interrogated for a crime? that kind of "in your face, what have you done" spotlight. maybe no one else is thinking this or feeling that my presence is out of place, but it is where i find myself right now...cheering on my son & his marching band from the other side of the fence.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
thoughts & camp
about 3 weeks ago chris & i were on the site of camp suwannee. chris leads the worship team & does all things "music-y" there. he has been working in this capacity for the past 20 years & i have been accompanying him there, off & on, for the past 10 - 12. we spend 2 weeks there & i can honestly say that i look forward to & treasure the time that we spend at camp suwannee...but this was not always the case.
because chris had various & many responsibilities throughout the day & especially the night, i spent much of my time, mostly the years when my boys were babies, hauled up in our room with a screaming, non-sleeping boy. i spent many nights crying, feeling alone, sleep deprived & pretty much pitiful.
for the past several years though, i've been blessed to be able send my boys to grandma's house for 1 of the weeks. because of this, i've been able to get more involved & teach classes & such. being a teacher at heart, i was thrilled to be asked to teach again this year...but i just wasn't so sure what to teach on. as i prayed about it, GOD began unfolding a biblical concept that i had never really spent much time even thinking about. GOD tells us that we are to "be transformed by the renewing of our mind" (rom. 12.2), but honestly, i didn't really know what that looked like. well, through much study, prayer, reading, etc. i am learning that it means to "think differently"...to "think new thoughts about old issues". so as i prepared to teach, GOD began to show me so many places that he was giving me new thoughts & new emotions in place of the toxic ones i had held on to for so long. one of these places was camp...
for the past several years, i believe that GOD has been renewing my thoughts about camp. without realizing it, i used to carry around negative thoughts & emotions from those lonely, tear filled nights at camp & therefore my brain would cause me to feel wretched every time i thought about or entered the camp grounds. but no more, my friend. i am free! GOD is showing me all the time new ways to think about this old stuff.
so in the midst of this revelation & transformation this year, i'm walking one night ever so 'happy-go-lucky' from the evening service up to the game time when i come across my sweet friend danielle. she is pushing a screaming stroller while balancing a laundry basket under her arm. i approach & relieve her of that load & walk with her to her room. in that short 3 minutes, i realize that i was looking at my past in her worn out, tired eyes. but now i had the opportunity to help - to maybe make it possible for her to leave camp this year with new thoughts & emotions. i walked her laundry inside & took the screamer from the stroller, i told danielle to get herself in bed, & i bounced me a sweet baby boy to sleep. it took all of 30 minutes for him to be out - only about 2 for danielle. but in that time, GOD gave me a sense of happiness & joy that i can not really even express. an onlooker would assume that what i was doing there was for danielle, but as i tip-toed out of her room, i thanked GOD for this blessing - for reminding me that HE does not free us from something just to sit around in our freedom, but to share it with others. i know that danielle was grateful for getting some much needed sleep that night, but i was so honored that GOD would use me in this way.
because chris had various & many responsibilities throughout the day & especially the night, i spent much of my time, mostly the years when my boys were babies, hauled up in our room with a screaming, non-sleeping boy. i spent many nights crying, feeling alone, sleep deprived & pretty much pitiful.
for the past several years though, i've been blessed to be able send my boys to grandma's house for 1 of the weeks. because of this, i've been able to get more involved & teach classes & such. being a teacher at heart, i was thrilled to be asked to teach again this year...but i just wasn't so sure what to teach on. as i prayed about it, GOD began unfolding a biblical concept that i had never really spent much time even thinking about. GOD tells us that we are to "be transformed by the renewing of our mind" (rom. 12.2), but honestly, i didn't really know what that looked like. well, through much study, prayer, reading, etc. i am learning that it means to "think differently"...to "think new thoughts about old issues". so as i prepared to teach, GOD began to show me so many places that he was giving me new thoughts & new emotions in place of the toxic ones i had held on to for so long. one of these places was camp...
for the past several years, i believe that GOD has been renewing my thoughts about camp. without realizing it, i used to carry around negative thoughts & emotions from those lonely, tear filled nights at camp & therefore my brain would cause me to feel wretched every time i thought about or entered the camp grounds. but no more, my friend. i am free! GOD is showing me all the time new ways to think about this old stuff.
so in the midst of this revelation & transformation this year, i'm walking one night ever so 'happy-go-lucky' from the evening service up to the game time when i come across my sweet friend danielle. she is pushing a screaming stroller while balancing a laundry basket under her arm. i approach & relieve her of that load & walk with her to her room. in that short 3 minutes, i realize that i was looking at my past in her worn out, tired eyes. but now i had the opportunity to help - to maybe make it possible for her to leave camp this year with new thoughts & emotions. i walked her laundry inside & took the screamer from the stroller, i told danielle to get herself in bed, & i bounced me a sweet baby boy to sleep. it took all of 30 minutes for him to be out - only about 2 for danielle. but in that time, GOD gave me a sense of happiness & joy that i can not really even express. an onlooker would assume that what i was doing there was for danielle, but as i tip-toed out of her room, i thanked GOD for this blessing - for reminding me that HE does not free us from something just to sit around in our freedom, but to share it with others. i know that danielle was grateful for getting some much needed sleep that night, but i was so honored that GOD would use me in this way.
Friday, July 15, 2011
voices
so i've been running quite a bit lately. (read previous blog entry - the road) i am going through a program called "couch to 5K" - which aims to get a "couch potato" able to run a 5K in 9 weeks. what has been extremely helpful - to me - is that i have an app for my phone that tells me each day how much to run/how much to walk. a lovely lady - sounding much like laura croft, tomb raider - speaks instructions into my ear...and i follow. "begin your first run now. you will run for 3 minutes." "you may walk now. your next run will start in 2 minutes." stuff like that. she's not super encouraging, but her sweet voice & precise instructions keep me moving.
well, last week i completed my 5th week of the "C25K" program. somewhere between week 4 - 5, my runs were increasing to 5 & 8 minutes in length. i know that this is probably nothing to write home about for most, but for me, this was a pretty big deal. however, even as i was accomplishing & reaching these new milestones, i found that i could not call myself a "runner".
then last week i was finishing up the runs for week 5 and i was at our family's river house in north florida. i was a bit unsure about this run as i was starting later in the day, and it was pretty hot - florida hot. but i felt that i needed to accomplish this run as this was a monumental run. i knew that my british app lady was going to require me to run for 20 minutes - without any walking breaks! this was almost unthinkable...previously "impossible" in my own mind. but i put sneakers to the pavement & set out to run. it was difficult at times, but i did it and was pretty thrilled. and then, the voice, coming from my headphones - but sounding in my head..."now slow down to a walk and let yourself cool down. you've just finished 20 minutes of unbroken running, so you can definitely call yourself a runner now!" wait, what did she just say? i am a runner? and how did she know that i was struggling with this title?
so with tears streaming down my cheeks & sweat dripping from every inch of my person, i just praised GOD. HE knew that in this quest, i needed to be confirmed & encouraged. i love that GOD shows up in just the way i need HIM...in this case, in the voice in my head.
well, last week i completed my 5th week of the "C25K" program. somewhere between week 4 - 5, my runs were increasing to 5 & 8 minutes in length. i know that this is probably nothing to write home about for most, but for me, this was a pretty big deal. however, even as i was accomplishing & reaching these new milestones, i found that i could not call myself a "runner".
then last week i was finishing up the runs for week 5 and i was at our family's river house in north florida. i was a bit unsure about this run as i was starting later in the day, and it was pretty hot - florida hot. but i felt that i needed to accomplish this run as this was a monumental run. i knew that my british app lady was going to require me to run for 20 minutes - without any walking breaks! this was almost unthinkable...previously "impossible" in my own mind. but i put sneakers to the pavement & set out to run. it was difficult at times, but i did it and was pretty thrilled. and then, the voice, coming from my headphones - but sounding in my head..."now slow down to a walk and let yourself cool down. you've just finished 20 minutes of unbroken running, so you can definitely call yourself a runner now!" wait, what did she just say? i am a runner? and how did she know that i was struggling with this title?
so with tears streaming down my cheeks & sweat dripping from every inch of my person, i just praised GOD. HE knew that in this quest, i needed to be confirmed & encouraged. i love that GOD shows up in just the way i need HIM...in this case, in the voice in my head.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
the road
one of the biggest struggles in my life has been my weight. over the past 10 years or so, i've had some weight loss here & there & have been able to get to & maintain some of my weight goals. however, i have felt like i'm fighting a giant - so to speak - this year as i've tried to take off some pounds. well, my sister - who is marathon-y and such - says that i'm "pre-menopausal" since i'm 40 now...which although there is probably some scientific truth to it, still makes me feel wretched. so in my old aged-ness, i've tried many different diets & exercises programs - and with really no results. but recently i started watching extreme makeover: weight loss edition (i am sucker for a make over show!). it's kind of like biggest looser - except you see the person totally transform (a year's worth of work) in the course of the hour long show...instant gratification. anyway, these people are loosing hundreds of pounds - but their main exercises plan is cardio (running or riding a bike) and circuit training with free weights. and then they count calories...so, i'm giving this plan a try. if it can work for those who are crazy overweight, maybe it will work for me.
the weights/circuit training is not so new to me, but the running...well, to put it plainly, i have NEVER been a runner. i have avoided running at all costs. it just didn't seem like something anyone would ever choose to do. you run if someone is chasing you...other than that, what's the point? well, i am doing a running program (Couch to 5K) that starts off with smaller amounts of running time intermingled with walking & then increases the running time over several weeks. (i have an app for my iphone where the lovely british lady speaks calmly into my ear to tell me when to run & when to walk.) i am about to begin my 4th week of this program & what i have found is that i LOVE to get outside & run. i am not calling myself a "runner" as i would not dare put myself in the company of great runners like my sisters or my friend paul. i don't have a great runner's form - i'm pretty sure i look a bit spastic. & i'm not super fast, at least not yet. but when i'm out there running, it's just me & the road. on one of my first runs, i was reminded of a scene in what women want where they are working on an ad campaign for nike..."she's running. it's early, it's quiet. just the sound of her feet on the asphalt. she likes to run alone. no pressure, no stress. this is the one place she can be herself. look any way she wants, dress, think any way she wants..."
now, when i'm running i also do a lot of praying & listening to GOD. and through this time, i am learning that my body may or may not change in the way that i would like. but in these early, quiet hours...
i am finding myself on the road.
the weights/circuit training is not so new to me, but the running...well, to put it plainly, i have NEVER been a runner. i have avoided running at all costs. it just didn't seem like something anyone would ever choose to do. you run if someone is chasing you...other than that, what's the point? well, i am doing a running program (Couch to 5K) that starts off with smaller amounts of running time intermingled with walking & then increases the running time over several weeks. (i have an app for my iphone where the lovely british lady speaks calmly into my ear to tell me when to run & when to walk.) i am about to begin my 4th week of this program & what i have found is that i LOVE to get outside & run. i am not calling myself a "runner" as i would not dare put myself in the company of great runners like my sisters or my friend paul. i don't have a great runner's form - i'm pretty sure i look a bit spastic. & i'm not super fast, at least not yet. but when i'm out there running, it's just me & the road. on one of my first runs, i was reminded of a scene in what women want where they are working on an ad campaign for nike..."she's running. it's early, it's quiet. just the sound of her feet on the asphalt. she likes to run alone. no pressure, no stress. this is the one place she can be herself. look any way she wants, dress, think any way she wants..."
now, when i'm running i also do a lot of praying & listening to GOD. and through this time, i am learning that my body may or may not change in the way that i would like. but in these early, quiet hours...
i am finding myself on the road.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
heroes
my youngest, winston, is enthralled with superheroes. really it's almost an obsession. he knows ridiculous and trivial facts about the usual suspects (batman, iron man, spiderman, etc.) but also about the more obscure (silver surfer, black cat, human torch). and stuff that comes along his path that he doesn't know - he will incessantly pursue us until we look it up for him. he is fascinated by their super powers, costumes, & gadgets - which are all frequently exhibited in his play.
now honestly, i happen to love this about winston because, believe it or not, i've kinda been a superhero freak my whole life as well. i grew up watching the old-school cartoons - spiderman was my favorite. and i frequented the movie theater (usually with my dad) to see the latest superman flick. even today - when chris & i are deciding what movie to spend our hard-earned dollars on...it is almost always a show about someone in spandex who is saving the world. :)
so why do we mere mortals get so caught up in these superheroes? maybe because the idea of them brings us hope & joy - which always enhances life. but i also think it's just an innate part of us. i believe that GOD has put within man a deep need and desire for someone who is superhuman; for someone who can conquer death & save us. that's what we search for all of our lives, isn't it? but none of these caped creations are gonna cut it. they are only reminders that we need a savior...the ultimate hero...JESUS.
"salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved." - acts 4.12
now honestly, i happen to love this about winston because, believe it or not, i've kinda been a superhero freak my whole life as well. i grew up watching the old-school cartoons - spiderman was my favorite. and i frequented the movie theater (usually with my dad) to see the latest superman flick. even today - when chris & i are deciding what movie to spend our hard-earned dollars on...it is almost always a show about someone in spandex who is saving the world. :)
so why do we mere mortals get so caught up in these superheroes? maybe because the idea of them brings us hope & joy - which always enhances life. but i also think it's just an innate part of us. i believe that GOD has put within man a deep need and desire for someone who is superhuman; for someone who can conquer death & save us. that's what we search for all of our lives, isn't it? but none of these caped creations are gonna cut it. they are only reminders that we need a savior...the ultimate hero...JESUS.
"salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved." - acts 4.12
Sunday, May 22, 2011
hands
i think that most people are familiar with the song "He's got the whole world in His hands". even those who are not so much 'religious' tend to understand it to be about a divine being watching over the world. and while i do agree that GOD (the divine being) is most definitely concerned about the goings on of the earth, it still seems very general and even distant to me.
now while i understand my GOD to be big, huge, magnificent, indescribable and thus totally capable of holding the whole world in His hands, i am also beginning to see Him as a very close & personal GOD to me! a little while ago i was wrestling with a statement that seems to be prevalent in the church..."if you were the only person on earth, JESUS would still have died for you." i am not a theologian, and therefore not willing to even debate the validity of this statement. however, i was mulling this idea over in my head as i walked around my neighborhood early one morning. i was praying about this very foreign concept of being the only person on earth - and honestly i just couldn't grasp it. i couldn't picture a world with only me. and then i heard GOD whisper in my spirit, "no, you are not the only one on the earth. but in the midst of the billions of people - I see you - walking down stafford drive this morning. I know you and care about you and your world today."
kristian stanfill has a song out that says "i will not worry or fret, my GOD is the GOD who will never forget. all of His goodness and all of His promises, holding my world in His hands." my world - my everyday situations, problems, joys, concerns...my life is important to Him.
my world is in His hands.
now while i understand my GOD to be big, huge, magnificent, indescribable and thus totally capable of holding the whole world in His hands, i am also beginning to see Him as a very close & personal GOD to me! a little while ago i was wrestling with a statement that seems to be prevalent in the church..."if you were the only person on earth, JESUS would still have died for you." i am not a theologian, and therefore not willing to even debate the validity of this statement. however, i was mulling this idea over in my head as i walked around my neighborhood early one morning. i was praying about this very foreign concept of being the only person on earth - and honestly i just couldn't grasp it. i couldn't picture a world with only me. and then i heard GOD whisper in my spirit, "no, you are not the only one on the earth. but in the midst of the billions of people - I see you - walking down stafford drive this morning. I know you and care about you and your world today."
kristian stanfill has a song out that says "i will not worry or fret, my GOD is the GOD who will never forget. all of His goodness and all of His promises, holding my world in His hands." my world - my everyday situations, problems, joys, concerns...my life is important to Him.
my world is in His hands.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
may 15th
today is an extremely significant day in my life. it is may 15th! well, this day may not have a prominent place on your calender or in your heart, but for me - this is a big day! first of all, on this day, in 1999, i gave birth to my first son - jonah christopher. that was an awesome day - in all interpretations of the word awesome. induction, complications, emergency c-section, and much pain - but also a beautiful & healthy boy and my mom there to help welcome him into this world. even through the pain, this was a good day...may 15th.
then in 2002, i celebrated jonah's 3rd birthday at his daycare, boarded a plane to miami, was chauffeured to the hospital where my 52 year old mom had only moments earlier lost her battle with breast cancer. this was a bad day...may 15th.
over these past 9 years i have come to recognize GOD's hand on my life in this date. i have had many people tell me how unfortunate it was that my mother passed away on my son's birthday...and for a time i felt that to be totally true. however, on the day that my heart aches the most for my mom, i have a miracle of a young man with whom my heart rejoices as he celebrates another year of life. how blessed am i, that GOD would give me a gift on may 15th?
well, today is that day. and as i type with tears in my eyes and remember my beautiful mom and all that she taught me, her 5'9" grandson walks through the room singing praise to their GOD.
this is a remarkable day...may 15th.
then in 2002, i celebrated jonah's 3rd birthday at his daycare, boarded a plane to miami, was chauffeured to the hospital where my 52 year old mom had only moments earlier lost her battle with breast cancer. this was a bad day...may 15th.
over these past 9 years i have come to recognize GOD's hand on my life in this date. i have had many people tell me how unfortunate it was that my mother passed away on my son's birthday...and for a time i felt that to be totally true. however, on the day that my heart aches the most for my mom, i have a miracle of a young man with whom my heart rejoices as he celebrates another year of life. how blessed am i, that GOD would give me a gift on may 15th?
well, today is that day. and as i type with tears in my eyes and remember my beautiful mom and all that she taught me, her 5'9" grandson walks through the room singing praise to their GOD.
this is a remarkable day...may 15th.
Friday, April 29, 2011
royalty
i am, at the core, a typical girly-girl. i did not obsess about the royal wedding, but i did tivo it & watch it with a big smile on my face the entire time. why? because i want to be a princess! what girl doesn't? what is it about royalty that draws us so? i believe it is because GOD placed it in our hearts. in 1 peter 2:9 He says that "you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation..." if GOD is the KING of kings & LORD of lords, and if He promises that i am an "heir of GOD & co-heir with CHRIST"...then guess what? i am a daughter of the KING, thus a princess! i may not wear a tiara now, but i will get mine someday. all the pomp & circumstance that the united kingdom can muster is nothing compared to the pageantry & majesty of the Kingdom of Heaven. on that day, i will be honored to lay my tiara at the feet of JESUS and meet my KING face to face.
wrestling with wealth
we are not what most americans would consider wealthy. we have had moments in the past - when both chris & i had full time jobs - that someone may have considered us so. but here lately, not so much. and here lies my struggle. believing that GOD had called me to quit my steady job to spend more time with my family, chris & i entered this new phase of life knowing that GOD would provide but that it might be difficult. we were & are willing to make sacrifices for the sake of our family & the will of GOD in & through us. but here's the thing...we have been so blessed. all of our needs are met & then some. but while i see the provisions of GOD in my life everyday, i still tend to worry or fret about the next thing that may need to be paid or purchased. then about a week ago, i board a plane & return to the rural villages of honduras - for my 3rd time. and whereas the poverty has always made an impression on me, this time it was just real. i looked into a one room, mud hut - that is barely bigger than my bathroom - and see that there are 10 people who live there...and all 10 of them come out to greet me with a smile. how can they smile? how do they have joy? i rationalize that maybe it's just because they don't know what they're missing out on, but in my heart i know that's not it. maybe it's that they've learned, like paul, to be content in every circumstance. i want to grasp this better. what i am understanding though, is that regardless of the american standard, i am wealthy. maybe my bank account doesn't reflect it & maybe my home is not the biggest or fanciest, but so many people have far less than i. i am so blessed & so thankful that i am where i am; but i am praying that GOD would continue to show me what to do with all that HE has given me. how can i use these resouces, talents, gifts to bless others in "el nombre de JESUS"?
anointed?
so this weekend i am pondering the anointing of GOD. as a Christ follower, i totally believe that GOD gives people specific tasks by having them anointed. this is typically done with some type of fragrant oil. my internal conversation this weekend however stems from a comment that a pastor friend made about a song about a year ago. he said about revelation song: "this is an anointed song". well, i love the song and at the time just thought he was being kind of 'preacher-y' and hadn't really thought about it much since then. well this weekend i attended 2 very different church services. the first was friday night - a family friendly, almost geared to kids - service. the band is ok, but they were also missing some key players, and the congregation was only about 20 (1/2 of them being under the age of 7). the second service was my regular sunday morning worship service. the band is accomplished, the lead singer is a vocal major graduate from belmont university, and the congregation was fairly full (about 200 adults). i give these details because in both services we sang revelation song...and in both services there was an almost tangible presence of the holy spirit during that song. where as other songs were sung half-heartedly, this one was belted out. it doesn't seem to matter how well the band 'gels' or how eloquent the singer is or who is in the congregation. hearts are moved, hands are raised, & tears flow. why this song? is it the words? or maybe the well constructed melodic/harmonic structure? or could it be that way back in the writing process of this particular song, the composers prayed for GOD's anointing over this piece? is it possible that GOD poured his Spirit over this melody, over these poetic phrases so that every time it is sung, whether the performance value is there or not, hearts are moved to worship the ONE TRUE GOD. maybe my pastor friend is correct...maybe revelation song is anointed.
i'm still processing all that this means, but in 1 John 2:27 it says "the anointing you received from Him remains in you..." if GOD, through His anointing, can work so mightily through a song...what can He do through me?
i'm still processing all that this means, but in 1 John 2:27 it says "the anointing you received from Him remains in you..." if GOD, through His anointing, can work so mightily through a song...what can He do through me?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
blessings
this week i have had not 1, but 2 wonderful opportunities to witness my eldest exhibit his giftedness. on tuesdays, he participates in a homeschool band. with my background, i have been enlisted to help out - but not with his particular beginning band. this week however, i had the privlege to rehearse them and was highly impressed with jonah's performance. he played intricate rhythms & stayed in time. band being my thing for so long, i didn't really know if he would even want to do it, much less excel at this. i mean when someone says that they want to play drums, it usually means they just want to bang on a drum set (which he also does...really well!). but he was back there playing the concert snare drum with musicality & excellence. :)
then last night, i was overwhelmed as i worshiped with our youth group while jonah played bass with the praise band. this put my "proud mom" feeling over the top. not only was he ridiculously amazing at the music side of it, but he was up there praising GOD with his talent. i'm sure every parent goes through great moments of pride in watching their kids do that which GOD designed them to do, but this week i am feeling extraordinarily blessed. i can't wait to see all that GOD has for both my boys as they continue to journey through life.
then last night, i was overwhelmed as i worshiped with our youth group while jonah played bass with the praise band. this put my "proud mom" feeling over the top. not only was he ridiculously amazing at the music side of it, but he was up there praising GOD with his talent. i'm sure every parent goes through great moments of pride in watching their kids do that which GOD designed them to do, but this week i am feeling extraordinarily blessed. i can't wait to see all that GOD has for both my boys as they continue to journey through life.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
parenting
yesterday i was blessed to spend time with some amazing women & engage in some invigorating conversation about raising our children. i don't know if you're anything like me (probably not), but i spend an enormous amount of time questioning everything i'm doing. "was i too hard in that decision?", "am i going to mess them up forever?", "should i allow this or not?", etc. i heard a speaker a few years ago talking about choices (specifically about children & teens) and he said this: "i'm raising my kids to leave". this is really how we try to parent...equipping these boys everyday for tomorrow. yes, there are boundaries, and a lot of discipline...but in such a short amount of time, these boys will leave our home. it is our job to train them to be men, while they are still boys. this seems sometimes like a daunting task. but in the end, i just try to remember that if we're teaching them to love GOD with all that they are and to love others as themselves, then i guess we're getting something right.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
priests
i have comitted to reading through the Bible with many others from my church community this year. i have done a lot of Bible reading & studying throughout my life - but not so much in exodus & levititcus (which is where i find myself now). many things hit me as i read each day: first, i am just reminded that GOD is SO faithful. He totally spelled out the details for everything...MULTIPLE times. He didn't leave things to chance or for them to just have to figure it out. He was specific & intentional with his people. then, my perception of some things were wrong. in all my days & years as a Christ-follower, i have always known about and understood the tabernacle. (this was GOD's dwelling place in the desert & the place where the priests would make sacrifice for the sins of the people.) anyway, picture if you will aaron (or any of his descendants) "suiting up" to enter the tabernacle. see him dressed and ready. i won't assume what you're picturing, but for me, without ever really giving it a second thought, i picture the priest wearing white. fancy and all - but just white. however, they made "the holy garments for aaron from the blue, purple, & scarlet yarn, just as the LORD had commanded Moses. bezalel made the ephod of gold, of blue, purple, & scarlet yarn, and of finely spun linen. they hammered out thin sheets of gold, and he cut threads from them to interweave with the blue, purple, & scarlet yarn, and the fine linen in a skillful design..." and it goes on to describe the most elaborate & i'm sure beautiful garments that were most definitely NOT white. (exodus 39:1 - 31) so maybe this is simple or silly to you - but i think it's awesome to see the scripture come alive and teach and reveal and captivate me every time...even when reading exodus!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
blessings and dishwashers
before we moved into our house, about 10 years ago, we lived in a rental house in this same neighborhood...WITHOUT a dishwasher. when we decided to purchase this house & make it our home, i was ecstatic because it had a dishwasher. now since dishwashers weren't original to these 1960's houses, this one came with a portable one. yes, that's right, every time you wash dishes, the dishwasher must be rolled across the kitchen & hooked up to the sink. and the noise level of the wash cycle is probably about the equivalent of a train coming through the kitchen! but, i LOVED it! it always worked and it made my life easier. our friends & family mocked it but i never cared. i was happy to have it.
now i tell you all of this to say, my wonderful husband bought me a new dishwasher and installed it...like for permanent. it's efficient, super quiet, convenient, & even beautiful. i didn't ask for it-i never complained or even had it on a wish list. he just wanted to make life better for me. i am extraordinarily blessed.
now i tell you all of this to say, my wonderful husband bought me a new dishwasher and installed it...like for permanent. it's efficient, super quiet, convenient, & even beautiful. i didn't ask for it-i never complained or even had it on a wish list. he just wanted to make life better for me. i am extraordinarily blessed.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
blogging
so when i was working, i had a blog for my band and i kept it up - for the most part. i hadn't really missed it too much until recently. so i thought i would start up a new blog. i just want a place to write out my thoughts, talk about fun things that are going on in my family, and share awesome things that GOD is doing in my life. i hope that all who choose to read and follow me through this blogging journey would always have "a pinkdiggity day".
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