2016 Summer Olympics with Chris: Week Two

1.  “I think we’re murdering the other countries in medals.”

2.  I say, “Oh, here’s Bob Costas…we haven't had any Bob Costas quotes yet.”  Chris says, “He’s hardly on…I mean look, he’s on so little, he’s standing.”  Long pause, “Bob can’t stand for long periods of time.”

3.  Scrolling along the bottom of the screen, we read:  “IOC Executive Board Member arrested for alleged involvement in Olympic ticket scalping scheme.”  Chris says, “Finally!  Get that guy off the streets!”

4.  Mary Carillo is on with Ryan Seacrest wearing white pants.  Then they go to a video segment where she is interviewing a street artist and she’s again wearing white pants.  Of course, I make a comment about her wearing white pants, and Chris, without missing a beat says, “It’s her signature look.”

5.  We see a clip of badminton and Jonah says, “I wanna see some badminton.”  Chris says, “You can’t - it’s a China sport.”

6.  In Church, we watched the clip of David Boudia and Steele Johnson (American synchro divers) talking about their faith.  Pastor says, “We just watched two men, in front of the world…” Chris says, “…in Speedos…”

7.  After watching the Mens’ 10K race, I say, “I know I’m not fast, but regular people running a 5K in under 30 minutes is pretty darn good.  This was a 10K and they just did it in well under 30 minutes!”  Chris yells, “OLYMPICS!”

8.  During the Track races, we pause so that Chris can say every name in the line up and sometimes expound on each one:

Kabange Mupopo (Ka-bang-E Moo-po-po)

Malgorzata Holub (Sounds like an Evil Space Lord)

Olga Zemylak (Medication…”Did you take your Zemylak?”)

Lagos Gebrhiwet (when you ‘get wet everywhere’, you’re “Gebrhiwet”)

Andrew Butchart (Butt-Chart - His ancestors checked out rear ends and kept     records)

9.  Usain Bolt just wins the 100M and keeps running around near the stands as a camera man desperately runs after him. Chris says, “That guy’s trying to run after Usain Bolt!  If you’re going to run after someone, pick anyone else!”

10. One of the American hurdle runners plays football for the University of Oregon.  After the race, he is being interviewed and is asked about his team back at school.  He says, “Go Ducks, Baby!”  Chris says, “I think he meant to say, ‘Go baby Ducks!’”

11. Chris has renamed the American runner, Ronnie Ash, “Forty Yard Ash”.

12. Evan Jäger wins the Silver medal in the Steeplechase.  The announcer says, “He just made all the American Steeplechasers proud.”  Chris says, “Yeah, all 7 of them.”

13. In Men’s Gymnastics, “My favorite part of the men’s Floor Exercise is the Breakdance section.”

14. Also during Men's Gymnastics, “Hey, you just won the Silver medal…Oh, now you’re crying…like a woman.” (said in the voice of Zapp Brannigan)

15. UK Pommel Horse man comes out.  He looks tall, mean, and has a severe hair cut.  Chris says, “He looks like a fighter.  Ooo!  Do they have Olympic no-rules fighting, like Fight Club?…I bet they do - they just don’t talk about it.”

16. Referring to the Russian woman gymnast on vault, “She looks like a face-swap of a couple of different actresses.”

17. Referring to the Australian women’s Beach Volleyball team, “Bawden & Clancy.  Sounds like 2 old men…like ‘Bawden & Clancy, attorneys at law.’”

18. Referring to Equestrian Jumping, “I call this ‘Horse Hurdles’”.

19. “It’s like an obstacle course for horses.  Or a ‘Horse Course’, if you will.”

20. Chris is playing through some of the Team Jumping event in fast motion.  He says, “Is this exciting?”  Everyone in the family shouts, “No!”  “Okay. Just wanted to make sure.”

21. Referring to Synchronized Swimming, “I bet if you picked this ‘sport’ when you were in elementary school, you regretted it later.”

22. The Synchronized Swimming team from China comes out and does their mini routine before even jumping in, complete with lots of jazz hands.  Winston says, “This isn’t Show Choir.”  Chris & I, in sync say, “It kinda is.”

23. While critiquing the synchronized sports…“I’m really good at noticing if things are the same or not.”

24. During the women’s platform Diving, I note that there is guy sitting in the stands and is in the shot for every single dive.  He’s not wearing a shirt.  Chris says, “Well, he is at the pool.”

25. Later we notice that the ‘no-shirt’ guy is gone.  Chris says, “The shirt police got him.”

26. Tom Daley is doing really well in the Prelims.  Chris says, “He’s like a Chinese woman of men’s diving.”

27. Referring to one of the men’s tiny swimsuits, “Oh, I see a little crack there…that’s a full point deduction.”

28. Referring to the Decathlon, “So, the one who wins is the top sportser?”

29. Ashton Eaton is being interviewed after winning the gold in the Decathlon.  The interviewer says, “So, you’ve now won the Gold medal for the second time, you have the world record and the Olympic record…what’s next for you?”  Chris immediately yells out, “Bobsled!”

30. USA Men’s Volleyball Coach starts inaudibly talking into his walkie-talkie.  Chris overdubs, “Breaker one-nine, gotcha ears on, good Buddy?”

31. During some Canoeing.  “Well, we still stink at this - even though I still do ‘heart’ flat water canoeing.”

32. Referring to the Closing Ceremony stuff, “This is like a way to showcase the different types of Brazilian zombies.”

33. “I wish our National Anthem was more terrifying.”

34. Chris says, “Who’s that guy there on stage”?  I say, “He’s the Mayor of Rio.” Immediately, he says, “Wrong!  He’s from Huey Lewis and the News.”

35. There are 3 people in the audience waving their flashlights around right behind the stage as the Olympic flag is being passed on to Tokyo.  Chris says, “Those people won the gold medal in Ceremony Interruption.”

36. During the Closing Ceremony, “I knew Rio would have the vegetables come out at some point.”

37. Earlier in the boringness of the Ceremony, Chris commented that the Tokyo games would be “off the chain”.  Now, within the first few moments of the Tokyo presentation wee see cool graphics, robot women rolling in, and hear interesting music.  Chris says, “SEE!”

So concludes the Games of the 31st Olympiad.  

2016 Summer Olympics with Chris: Week One

1. During the opening footage of Rio, “Wow!  Touchdown Jesus sure does have a lot of birds around him!”

2. Commentators say that a little known fact about the President of the IOC is that he won a gold medal in Fencing.  Chris says, “If I won a gold medal in Fencing, I would always use that in my 2 truths and a lie.”

3. Referring to the folksy Brazilian National Anthem type song, “So wait, their National Anthem goes from swing to straight?”  Long pause, “I respect that.”

4. “Why do they always dress the Olympians in something we wouldn't be caught dead wearing in real life…it’s like a costume.”

5. “See! That bird just flew out of Jesus' sleeve - like a magician.” 

6. Watching Michael Phelps talk about getting to lead the American delegation in the Parade of Nations, “It’s reassuring to know that 4 years hasn’t made him any less goofy looking.”

7. On the first night of gymnastics, referring to Brazil’s Gym design:  “If I designed my own gym, I’d use the colors green, green, green, and different green.”

8. People are chanting, “USA! USA!”  “I’m glad we have a 3 syllable country name cuz it makes it good for chanting.”

9. “That dude is buff!”, at seeing a giant picture of Katie Ladecky on the wall in the TV studio.

10. Jonah says, "How do you get to be an Olympic judge?”  I begin to explain when Chris says, "I signed up and I'm just waiting on a call back.”

11. Watching some Pommel Horse routines, “If I was doing this, I’d get off, throw my arms up and yell, ‘PARKOUR!’”

12. “I’m telling you, the Men’s Brazilian Gymnastics team could form a Boy Band.”

13. Watching gymnastics, “Who’s announcing this?  Scott Hamilton?”  I say, “No, he’s Ice Skating.”  “Oh, so the Gymnastics Scott Hamilton.”  (Tim Daggett)

14. The Men’s Ukrainian gymnastics team and coaches are all sitting on the sideline looking at their phones. Chris says, in an overdub-type voice, "You find any Pokémon yet?"

15. “The underarm hair seems more accentuated on the Japanese Gymnasts.”

16. Jonah asks, “Do they get counted off if their legs touch?” Chris says, “Very few people are sure of the rules of Pommel Horse.”

17. In Men’s Swimming, “Watch out for the Belarus guy, Glen Surgeloose…cuz at the end…he’ll just...surge loose.”

18. I say, “The breast stroke is so weird.”  Chris says, “Well, that’s not how I do it…I’m much better…and faster.”  I say, “Than OLYMPIANS?!?!”  He says, “It’s all in my technique.”

18. American Swimmer Townly Haas is announced, “Oh, he’s definitely a vampire.”

19. Watching a swimming heat, “There’s no Americans in this…I guess I’ll root for this Brazilian here in lane 7, but he’ll probably be last.”  They dive in, “Oh, he’s first!  Go Brazil!”

20. “Freestyle is the splashiest of all the strokes.”

21. During Women’s Swimming they do a background story of Dana Vollmer.  In the video piece, her baby jumps into the pool to her. Chris yells, “Terrible!  I give it a 3!”

22. “If we’re not in it, I like to pick a ‘rando’ and root for them.”

23. “Maybe in order to be a fantastic swimmer, you just have to look like a mutant.”

24. The announcer says, “She swam her lifetime best this summer.”  Chris says, “I swam MY lifetime best this summer.”  I said, “When?  Where?”  To which he responds, “It was just a really good swimming season for me.”

25. Referring to China’s Women’s Beach Volleyball team:  "Looks like those ladies enjoy their pizza and beer.”

26. Watching Synchronized Diving, “That’s the same person - like clones…Oh, I bet clones could do this sport really well.”

27. Referring to some of the Women’s gymnastics routines, “I like the smooth flipping much better than the jerky flipping.”

28. “If I were doing the vault, I would hope that the person doing the floor exercise at the same time was doing their routine to Metallica. I could do one heck of a vault to Enter Sandman.”

29. A super tiny Brazilian Woman Gymnast does a great balance beam routine and her coach picks her up and hugs her.  The announcer says, “The coach got the hug but I think 12,000 people wanted to enjoy it with them.”  Immediately Chris says, “Pervs!”

30. Referring to all the Gymnastics judges sitting in chairs, “Look at all of those Judgy-judgersons just judging like it was their job to judge.”

31. Referring to the UK Woman Gymnast’s floor exercise music, “This sounds like something a child made on Garage Band.”

32. While watching White Water Kayaking, they had some serious problems with the announcer’s mics. Chris says, “If the color commentator’s mic goes out, then the non-color commentator needs to immediately become more colorful…cuz this is BORING!”

33. “They should dismount from the trampoline and land in a ball pit or something.”

34. During a 400M Track Race, “There.  Look at our guy.  He looks like a runner.”

35. “Face shots of slow motion running are UGLY!”

36. During Track and Field, English Gardner, the American Sprinter is announced - Chris belly laughed for a solid minute, only interrupted by him saying, “English Gardner” several times.

37. Our American Shot-Putter is a little beefy and the announcer says, “She’s in the silver medal position right now, so she could just let it all hang out.”  Immediately Chris says, “Please do NOT let it all hang out!”