2016 Summer Olympics with Chris: Week One

1. During the opening footage of Rio, “Wow!  Touchdown Jesus sure does have a lot of birds around him!”

2. Commentators say that a little known fact about the President of the IOC is that he won a gold medal in Fencing.  Chris says, “If I won a gold medal in Fencing, I would always use that in my 2 truths and a lie.”

3. Referring to the folksy Brazilian National Anthem type song, “So wait, their National Anthem goes from swing to straight?”  Long pause, “I respect that.”

4. “Why do they always dress the Olympians in something we wouldn't be caught dead wearing in real life…it’s like a costume.”

5. “See! That bird just flew out of Jesus' sleeve - like a magician.” 

6. Watching Michael Phelps talk about getting to lead the American delegation in the Parade of Nations, “It’s reassuring to know that 4 years hasn’t made him any less goofy looking.”

7. On the first night of gymnastics, referring to Brazil’s Gym design:  “If I designed my own gym, I’d use the colors green, green, green, and different green.”

8. People are chanting, “USA! USA!”  “I’m glad we have a 3 syllable country name cuz it makes it good for chanting.”

9. “That dude is buff!”, at seeing a giant picture of Katie Ladecky on the wall in the TV studio.

10. Jonah says, "How do you get to be an Olympic judge?”  I begin to explain when Chris says, "I signed up and I'm just waiting on a call back.”

11. Watching some Pommel Horse routines, “If I was doing this, I’d get off, throw my arms up and yell, ‘PARKOUR!’”

12. “I’m telling you, the Men’s Brazilian Gymnastics team could form a Boy Band.”

13. Watching gymnastics, “Who’s announcing this?  Scott Hamilton?”  I say, “No, he’s Ice Skating.”  “Oh, so the Gymnastics Scott Hamilton.”  (Tim Daggett)

14. The Men’s Ukrainian gymnastics team and coaches are all sitting on the sideline looking at their phones. Chris says, in an overdub-type voice, "You find any Pokémon yet?"

15. “The underarm hair seems more accentuated on the Japanese Gymnasts.”

16. Jonah asks, “Do they get counted off if their legs touch?” Chris says, “Very few people are sure of the rules of Pommel Horse.”

17. In Men’s Swimming, “Watch out for the Belarus guy, Glen Surgeloose…cuz at the end…he’ll just...surge loose.”

18. I say, “The breast stroke is so weird.”  Chris says, “Well, that’s not how I do it…I’m much better…and faster.”  I say, “Than OLYMPIANS?!?!”  He says, “It’s all in my technique.”

18. American Swimmer Townly Haas is announced, “Oh, he’s definitely a vampire.”

19. Watching a swimming heat, “There’s no Americans in this…I guess I’ll root for this Brazilian here in lane 7, but he’ll probably be last.”  They dive in, “Oh, he’s first!  Go Brazil!”

20. “Freestyle is the splashiest of all the strokes.”

21. During Women’s Swimming they do a background story of Dana Vollmer.  In the video piece, her baby jumps into the pool to her. Chris yells, “Terrible!  I give it a 3!”

22. “If we’re not in it, I like to pick a ‘rando’ and root for them.”

23. “Maybe in order to be a fantastic swimmer, you just have to look like a mutant.”

24. The announcer says, “She swam her lifetime best this summer.”  Chris says, “I swam MY lifetime best this summer.”  I said, “When?  Where?”  To which he responds, “It was just a really good swimming season for me.”

25. Referring to China’s Women’s Beach Volleyball team:  "Looks like those ladies enjoy their pizza and beer.”

26. Watching Synchronized Diving, “That’s the same person - like clones…Oh, I bet clones could do this sport really well.”

27. Referring to some of the Women’s gymnastics routines, “I like the smooth flipping much better than the jerky flipping.”

28. “If I were doing the vault, I would hope that the person doing the floor exercise at the same time was doing their routine to Metallica. I could do one heck of a vault to Enter Sandman.”

29. A super tiny Brazilian Woman Gymnast does a great balance beam routine and her coach picks her up and hugs her.  The announcer says, “The coach got the hug but I think 12,000 people wanted to enjoy it with them.”  Immediately Chris says, “Pervs!”

30. Referring to all the Gymnastics judges sitting in chairs, “Look at all of those Judgy-judgersons just judging like it was their job to judge.”

31. Referring to the UK Woman Gymnast’s floor exercise music, “This sounds like something a child made on Garage Band.”

32. While watching White Water Kayaking, they had some serious problems with the announcer’s mics. Chris says, “If the color commentator’s mic goes out, then the non-color commentator needs to immediately become more colorful…cuz this is BORING!”

33. “They should dismount from the trampoline and land in a ball pit or something.”

34. During a 400M Track Race, “There.  Look at our guy.  He looks like a runner.”

35. “Face shots of slow motion running are UGLY!”

36. During Track and Field, English Gardner, the American Sprinter is announced - Chris belly laughed for a solid minute, only interrupted by him saying, “English Gardner” several times.

37. Our American Shot-Putter is a little beefy and the announcer says, “She’s in the silver medal position right now, so she could just let it all hang out.”  Immediately Chris says, “Please do NOT let it all hang out!”