2018 Winter Olympics with Chris - Two

1.  Simultaneously, overtop of each of other - I say, “I don’t even know what’s happening here.” While Chris says, “What are we watching right now?”

(It was - Ladies 10 K Free, Cross Country Skiing)

2.  While watching cross country skiing, commentator says, “The best looking skier at this point is Haga”.  Chris says, “I don’t know...Jessie Diggins is pretty hot.”

3.  Watching speed skating, commentators talk about Eric Heiden who won 5 gold medals at the 1980 Winter Olympics - something no other Winter athlete has done. Chris proceeds to Google him. “He’s a physician?!?  He’s got an athletic career AND a medical career?!?  CRAP!! Why am I not Heiden-ing?” 

4.  Commentator is talking about Kramer, the Dutch speed skater.  They talk about what a huge deal this race is and say that even the children back home are watching it in school. Chris says, “Why?  It’s not exciting like American football?  It’s like NASCAR with only 2 racers!”

5.  Watching one of the longer, long track speed skating events, Chris says, “If I was in that crowd, I’d be bloated from all the nachos I left the arena to go get.”

6.  “Couldn’t they have come up with something better to stop the 80 mph Skeleton racers than foam bedding from Cosco?”

7.  Watching some of the men’s Giant Slalom, “You can fast through this.  I don’t need to see all this “shushing”. I don’t need to see any shushing of any of these other shushers, unless they’re our shusher.”

8.  I ask, “Who is this skiing?”  Chris, “It’s one of the ‘sideways-cross’ country’s. 

9.  “I can tell he didn’t get a first down cuz I can see the green line.” - watching Men’s Large Hill Ski Jump 

10.  “I’m all about Women’s Big Air.”

11.  Bobsledding is not going so well for USA.  I say, “We need to make up some time.”  Chris says, “We need rockets on our bobsled. I guarantee, we will be great at rockets.”

12.   Referring to Woman’s Downhill Training, “What is training?  It is nothing.  It’s, ‘I’m gonna go down the hill. You can time me if you want.”

13.  “I don’t  think cross country skiing is for me...not participating in nor watching.”

14.  Ice Dancing team, “Chock/Bates...Ooo Ahh Ahh”

15.  Winston asks, “So what’s the difference between ice dancing and ice skating?”  Chris says, “Well, really it comes down to floofiness.” 

16.  “Is Johnny Weir serious with his look or is he going for comedy?  Or maybe he is just saying, “Hey, watch this...I’m gonna wear this on TV tonight...”

17.  Johnny Weir says, “It’s gonna come down to the prestige of Yevgenia Medvedeva and the strategy of Alina Zagitova.”  Mike Tirico says, “We look forward to that.”  Chris says, “...he says with a straight face.” 

18.  Watching ski jumping, Chris says, “I’m amazed at how NBC continues to think we know how tall the Statue of Liberty is.”

19.  “Oh, this is the team ski jump. We have no one. We couldn’t even muster up a team in ski jump.”

20.  Commenting further on why we don’t have any one doing ski jumping, “It’s kind of like an X-Game event from the ‘60s. You just ski down the hill and do 1 jump...forget that.”

21.  “Belarus, Norway, Poland...ya know, all the countries everyone’s heard of but no one’s ever been to.”

22.  4 man bobsled, “Oh, that’s the big hot dog tube on skates.”

23.  While reading about the 4 man bobsled, we learn that there are 2 “push athletes”.  Chris says, “If someone were to say, ‘by the by, are you a sportsman?’ ‘Why yes. I’m one of the 2 push athletes.’ They would respond, ‘...pardon?’”

24.  “Why don’t they just cram 8 or 10 people in there?  Like a clown car bobsled.” 

25.  Commentator says, “Let’s have a listen to the rumble & roar of the 4 man sled ALL the way down the hill.”  Chris says, “What that means is, ‘I’m gonna go get a coffee.’”

26.  Looking at the Big Air scoring break down, there are a couple people with a “JNS”. Chris says, “JNS stands for, Just...No...Stop.” 

27.  Ester Ledecka, skier/snowboarder, “I think she got her uniform from Party City.”

28.  Commenting on why we haven’t seen any 2 man luge this time, Chris says in an exaggerated announcer voice, “Two man luge - too awkward for Primetime.”

29.  “Why didn’t France & Italy get together when they were choosing their flags?  And who came first. Like Italy might say, ‘We need a new flag. I like France’s flag...what’s the least amount we can change it and avoid copyright infringement?’”

30.  Mass Start speed skating:  “This is like conga line racing.”

31.  Referring to the Russian Curling team, “So they probably just went off on their own with the doping...to gain a  physical advantage...in curling.” 

32.  “We should make the biathlon punishment for school shooters. ‘Alright, go ahead, cross country ski for a kilometer or so, then you can shoot whatever you want, big man. 

Closing Ceremony

33.  Referring to the children coming in with the Korean flag wearing tiger hats & ponchos, “They’re like a real life version of a Snapchat filter.”

34.  Korean man singing the National Anthem, “He’s wearing a diaper scarf...with his dress.”

35.  Jambinai, the Korean music group that is mixing Eastern & Western traditional music with more modern sounds are jamming to this one note/one chord song. Chris says, “I wonder if they know ‘Enter Snadman.’”

36. A child is singing the Olympic Anthem.  Chris says, “They’re not even trying to fool us now - he doesn’t even have a microphone.”

37.  Referring to the mesh, light suit Panda in Beijing’s presentation, “Oh, I wanna be that for Halloween.”

38.  Weird pan banging & dancing, “We did this exact same dance in our living room when I was 9.  I knew it looked familiar.”

39.  Watching some K-pop group,  Chris says, “Yeah, it’s the 90’s in Korea.”

40.  “This particular act right now is like a version of a dance/sing off between Korean Backstreet Boys & Korean *NSYNC.”

41.  K-Pop is still going on, but there are several big ATVs sitting around on the stage. I ask, “What are these 4-Wheeler’s for?”  Chris says, “They’re waiting for this to be over so they can put the tarp back on.”

2018 Winter Olympics with Chris - One

1.  The commentators are explaining the story behind the Opening Ceremony and how much history of Korea was put into the planning, design, and performance of the show.  Chris says, “I better know as much about Korea as Wikipedia when this is over.”

2.  Commentators say, “Whereas we might be afraid of tigers, the Korean’s see them as protectors.”  Chris says, “I would consider it an honor to be mauled by a Korean tiger.”

3.  Jonah wondered, “What if you took a knee during the Korean National Anthem?”  Chris says, “Protesting Tiger brutality?”

4.  Commentator, “As is tradition, Greece will march in first, then Korea will be last and the others will come in in alphabetical order, based on the Korean alphabet.” Chris says, “So...random.” 

5.  Referring to the Korean kids circling the arena doing silly dance moves, “All you have to do is stand here and do the Floss for 2 hours.”

6.  “Here is Samer Tawk from Lebanon” - said like someone from Lebanon, TN.

7.  Referring to USA’s Opening Ceremony attire, “Team USA can come in from the snow and immediately take a roast out of the oven with those gloves on.” 

8.  Katie Couric is talking about the Ralph Lauren jackets made for Team USA. They have a heating element in them. She said, “I tried one on and it was really nice. It heats up your upper back and keeps it toasty.”  Chris says, “I often sit out in the snow and say, ‘My upper back is freezing!  I wish my upper back was toasty.’”

9.  “You better be on your A game to handle that flag.” 

10.  San Marino is SO tiny.  It’s a dot on the map of Italy...it’s literally surrounded on all sides by Italy. Jonah says, “Italy could just take them at any time.” Immediately Chris says, “And believe you, me, they let them know it every time they see them.”

11.  “What if Dan Marino visited San Marino. They’d be like, ‘You’re name is “Dan" Marino?!?’  It would be like if someone came here and we’d be like, ‘You’re name is “Bunited" States?!?’”

12.  “Who are these ninja ghost babies?”

13.  Referring to Georgia’s flag - “We’ll make a flag & then put replicas of the flag in each corner of the flag.”

14.  “P, F, M, F, P...that’s the Korean alphabetical order of these next 5 countries." 

15.  While Mikhail Kolyada, male figure skater from Russia, is skating, Chris says, “ She looks like a Russian skater from the 1980’s”

16.  “Tonight, Johnny Weir looks like Ruby Rhod from The 5th Element.”

17.  Patrick Chan, from Canada, is skating to Dust in the Wind. I say, “This is boring me, Chan!”  Chris said, “I think it’s Kansas that’s boring you.”

18.  Looking at Nathan Chen just sitting in a chair in his black costume, Chris says, “I bet he knows karate!”

19.  I say, “Oh, did you see him do that run thing?” Chris, “No. I would think that’s rule number 1 of ice skates - don’t run in ice skates.”

20.  “Look, he’s number 1.” (His name is Uno.). - Japanese skater 

21.  “This is the sound of someone doing Moguls, ‘oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof...wheeeeeeee! oof, oof, oof…’”

22.  “Oh, do they have snow dancing?  Like dancing outside, in a foot of snow?” 

23.  Critiquing a mogul flip, I said, “That one was lame.  I could have done it...probably.”  Immediately Chris says, “Um, no.  I mean, objectively…NO.” 

24.  Watching Ice Skating doubles I say, “Oh yeah, this is where they throw them.” Chris says, “Oh, I love people throwing.”

25.  Commentators talking about the Israeli pairs skaters, “Krasnopolski has had 5 previous partners.” Chris says, “He’s like the gigolo of ice skating.”

26.  Married couple is skating to the Moulin Rouge Love song...”That’s true ice love.”

27.  “Oh, is ice fishing an event?” 

28.  Watching Moguls, “Why do they always do the center?  I wanna see someone do the right bumps or the left bumps.” 

29.  Chris says, “I really don’t mind the Dutch.” Me, “That was Italy.” Chris, “Well, Italy’s alright. But I really don’t mind the Dutch.”

30.  Our ski jumper didn’t qualify and the commentator said, “Well, it was a good learning experience for him.”  Chris says, “We don’t need learning experiences. We need medals!”

31.  Commentators are talking about a Luger, “He wants a nice cushion going into the evening break.” Chris says, “I like a nice cushion.”

32.  A snowboarder crashes and we all yell, “Oh no!” but the commentator yells out “Yikers!”  Chris says, “Yikers?  Is that a snowboarding term.”

33.  Yelling at the TV, “Why are you wearing gangster pants?  Pull your pants up!  You’re on TV!  Unless you’re at the top of the Billboard charts for spoken word, pull your pants up!”

34.  Commentator says, “We have an action packed night of figure skating.”  Chris responds, “Action packed?!?”

35.  I say, “This is ice dancing, so there’s not as many tricks and jumps and such.”  Chris says, “So…even less exciting?”

36.  As Canada’s ice dancing couple takes the ice, the commentator says, “You are about to attend a master class in ice dancing.” Chris says, “If you asked, ‘What is the worst master class you could ever attend?’...I don’t know?…Ice dancing?”

37.  Chris says, “Oooo!  I like them!”  I say, “That’s not us.”  Chris, “Dang it!”

38.  Referring to Bradie Tennell, American Figure Skater “It’s like she has costume teeth over her normal teeth.”

39.  The crowd at the Luge area is all wearing American flag clothes and crop tops, they are painted up and waving giant heads of USA competitors…Chris says, “There’s our people. The luge attracts the trailer folk.”

40.  German Luger, Loch messes up his final run, losing not only his 1st place but his chance at any medal. Chris says, “So...I guess he wasn’t a ‘lock’ after all.”

41.  Winston walks into the room & says, “This guy is still skating?!?  How long is this?”  I begin to explain to him that the skaters do a “Short Program” and then a “Free Program”, which used to be called the “Long Program” because it was longer.  Chris says, “Now it’s called the 'You Won’t Believe How Long This Program Is’ program.”

2016 Summer Olympics with Chris: Week Two

1.  “I think we’re murdering the other countries in medals.”

2.  I say, “Oh, here’s Bob Costas…we haven't had any Bob Costas quotes yet.”  Chris says, “He’s hardly on…I mean look, he’s on so little, he’s standing.”  Long pause, “Bob can’t stand for long periods of time.”

3.  Scrolling along the bottom of the screen, we read:  “IOC Executive Board Member arrested for alleged involvement in Olympic ticket scalping scheme.”  Chris says, “Finally!  Get that guy off the streets!”

4.  Mary Carillo is on with Ryan Seacrest wearing white pants.  Then they go to a video segment where she is interviewing a street artist and she’s again wearing white pants.  Of course, I make a comment about her wearing white pants, and Chris, without missing a beat says, “It’s her signature look.”

5.  We see a clip of badminton and Jonah says, “I wanna see some badminton.”  Chris says, “You can’t - it’s a China sport.”

6.  In Church, we watched the clip of David Boudia and Steele Johnson (American synchro divers) talking about their faith.  Pastor says, “We just watched two men, in front of the world…” Chris says, “…in Speedos…”

7.  After watching the Mens’ 10K race, I say, “I know I’m not fast, but regular people running a 5K in under 30 minutes is pretty darn good.  This was a 10K and they just did it in well under 30 minutes!”  Chris yells, “OLYMPICS!”

8.  During the Track races, we pause so that Chris can say every name in the line up and sometimes expound on each one:

Kabange Mupopo (Ka-bang-E Moo-po-po)

Malgorzata Holub (Sounds like an Evil Space Lord)

Olga Zemylak (Medication…”Did you take your Zemylak?”)

Lagos Gebrhiwet (when you ‘get wet everywhere’, you’re “Gebrhiwet”)

Andrew Butchart (Butt-Chart - His ancestors checked out rear ends and kept     records)

9.  Usain Bolt just wins the 100M and keeps running around near the stands as a camera man desperately runs after him. Chris says, “That guy’s trying to run after Usain Bolt!  If you’re going to run after someone, pick anyone else!”

10. One of the American hurdle runners plays football for the University of Oregon.  After the race, he is being interviewed and is asked about his team back at school.  He says, “Go Ducks, Baby!”  Chris says, “I think he meant to say, ‘Go baby Ducks!’”

11. Chris has renamed the American runner, Ronnie Ash, “Forty Yard Ash”.

12. Evan Jäger wins the Silver medal in the Steeplechase.  The announcer says, “He just made all the American Steeplechasers proud.”  Chris says, “Yeah, all 7 of them.”

13. In Men’s Gymnastics, “My favorite part of the men’s Floor Exercise is the Breakdance section.”

14. Also during Men's Gymnastics, “Hey, you just won the Silver medal…Oh, now you’re crying…like a woman.” (said in the voice of Zapp Brannigan)

15. UK Pommel Horse man comes out.  He looks tall, mean, and has a severe hair cut.  Chris says, “He looks like a fighter.  Ooo!  Do they have Olympic no-rules fighting, like Fight Club?…I bet they do - they just don’t talk about it.”

16. Referring to the Russian woman gymnast on vault, “She looks like a face-swap of a couple of different actresses.”

17. Referring to the Australian women’s Beach Volleyball team, “Bawden & Clancy.  Sounds like 2 old men…like ‘Bawden & Clancy, attorneys at law.’”

18. Referring to Equestrian Jumping, “I call this ‘Horse Hurdles’”.

19. “It’s like an obstacle course for horses.  Or a ‘Horse Course’, if you will.”

20. Chris is playing through some of the Team Jumping event in fast motion.  He says, “Is this exciting?”  Everyone in the family shouts, “No!”  “Okay. Just wanted to make sure.”

21. Referring to Synchronized Swimming, “I bet if you picked this ‘sport’ when you were in elementary school, you regretted it later.”

22. The Synchronized Swimming team from China comes out and does their mini routine before even jumping in, complete with lots of jazz hands.  Winston says, “This isn’t Show Choir.”  Chris & I, in sync say, “It kinda is.”

23. While critiquing the synchronized sports…“I’m really good at noticing if things are the same or not.”

24. During the women’s platform Diving, I note that there is guy sitting in the stands and is in the shot for every single dive.  He’s not wearing a shirt.  Chris says, “Well, he is at the pool.”

25. Later we notice that the ‘no-shirt’ guy is gone.  Chris says, “The shirt police got him.”

26. Tom Daley is doing really well in the Prelims.  Chris says, “He’s like a Chinese woman of men’s diving.”

27. Referring to one of the men’s tiny swimsuits, “Oh, I see a little crack there…that’s a full point deduction.”

28. Referring to the Decathlon, “So, the one who wins is the top sportser?”

29. Ashton Eaton is being interviewed after winning the gold in the Decathlon.  The interviewer says, “So, you’ve now won the Gold medal for the second time, you have the world record and the Olympic record…what’s next for you?”  Chris immediately yells out, “Bobsled!”

30. USA Men’s Volleyball Coach starts inaudibly talking into his walkie-talkie.  Chris overdubs, “Breaker one-nine, gotcha ears on, good Buddy?”

31. During some Canoeing.  “Well, we still stink at this - even though I still do ‘heart’ flat water canoeing.”

32. Referring to the Closing Ceremony stuff, “This is like a way to showcase the different types of Brazilian zombies.”

33. “I wish our National Anthem was more terrifying.”

34. Chris says, “Who’s that guy there on stage”?  I say, “He’s the Mayor of Rio.” Immediately, he says, “Wrong!  He’s from Huey Lewis and the News.”

35. There are 3 people in the audience waving their flashlights around right behind the stage as the Olympic flag is being passed on to Tokyo.  Chris says, “Those people won the gold medal in Ceremony Interruption.”

36. During the Closing Ceremony, “I knew Rio would have the vegetables come out at some point.”

37. Earlier in the boringness of the Ceremony, Chris commented that the Tokyo games would be “off the chain”.  Now, within the first few moments of the Tokyo presentation wee see cool graphics, robot women rolling in, and hear interesting music.  Chris says, “SEE!”

So concludes the Games of the 31st Olympiad.  

2016 Summer Olympics with Chris: Week One

1. During the opening footage of Rio, “Wow!  Touchdown Jesus sure does have a lot of birds around him!”

2. Commentators say that a little known fact about the President of the IOC is that he won a gold medal in Fencing.  Chris says, “If I won a gold medal in Fencing, I would always use that in my 2 truths and a lie.”

3. Referring to the folksy Brazilian National Anthem type song, “So wait, their National Anthem goes from swing to straight?”  Long pause, “I respect that.”

4. “Why do they always dress the Olympians in something we wouldn't be caught dead wearing in real life…it’s like a costume.”

5. “See! That bird just flew out of Jesus' sleeve - like a magician.” 

6. Watching Michael Phelps talk about getting to lead the American delegation in the Parade of Nations, “It’s reassuring to know that 4 years hasn’t made him any less goofy looking.”

7. On the first night of gymnastics, referring to Brazil’s Gym design:  “If I designed my own gym, I’d use the colors green, green, green, and different green.”

8. People are chanting, “USA! USA!”  “I’m glad we have a 3 syllable country name cuz it makes it good for chanting.”

9. “That dude is buff!”, at seeing a giant picture of Katie Ladecky on the wall in the TV studio.

10. Jonah says, "How do you get to be an Olympic judge?”  I begin to explain when Chris says, "I signed up and I'm just waiting on a call back.”

11. Watching some Pommel Horse routines, “If I was doing this, I’d get off, throw my arms up and yell, ‘PARKOUR!’”

12. “I’m telling you, the Men’s Brazilian Gymnastics team could form a Boy Band.”

13. Watching gymnastics, “Who’s announcing this?  Scott Hamilton?”  I say, “No, he’s Ice Skating.”  “Oh, so the Gymnastics Scott Hamilton.”  (Tim Daggett)

14. The Men’s Ukrainian gymnastics team and coaches are all sitting on the sideline looking at their phones. Chris says, in an overdub-type voice, "You find any Pokémon yet?"

15. “The underarm hair seems more accentuated on the Japanese Gymnasts.”

16. Jonah asks, “Do they get counted off if their legs touch?” Chris says, “Very few people are sure of the rules of Pommel Horse.”

17. In Men’s Swimming, “Watch out for the Belarus guy, Glen Surgeloose…cuz at the end…he’ll just...surge loose.”

18. I say, “The breast stroke is so weird.”  Chris says, “Well, that’s not how I do it…I’m much better…and faster.”  I say, “Than OLYMPIANS?!?!”  He says, “It’s all in my technique.”

18. American Swimmer Townly Haas is announced, “Oh, he’s definitely a vampire.”

19. Watching a swimming heat, “There’s no Americans in this…I guess I’ll root for this Brazilian here in lane 7, but he’ll probably be last.”  They dive in, “Oh, he’s first!  Go Brazil!”

20. “Freestyle is the splashiest of all the strokes.”

21. During Women’s Swimming they do a background story of Dana Vollmer.  In the video piece, her baby jumps into the pool to her. Chris yells, “Terrible!  I give it a 3!”

22. “If we’re not in it, I like to pick a ‘rando’ and root for them.”

23. “Maybe in order to be a fantastic swimmer, you just have to look like a mutant.”

24. The announcer says, “She swam her lifetime best this summer.”  Chris says, “I swam MY lifetime best this summer.”  I said, “When?  Where?”  To which he responds, “It was just a really good swimming season for me.”

25. Referring to China’s Women’s Beach Volleyball team:  "Looks like those ladies enjoy their pizza and beer.”

26. Watching Synchronized Diving, “That’s the same person - like clones…Oh, I bet clones could do this sport really well.”

27. Referring to some of the Women’s gymnastics routines, “I like the smooth flipping much better than the jerky flipping.”

28. “If I were doing the vault, I would hope that the person doing the floor exercise at the same time was doing their routine to Metallica. I could do one heck of a vault to Enter Sandman.”

29. A super tiny Brazilian Woman Gymnast does a great balance beam routine and her coach picks her up and hugs her.  The announcer says, “The coach got the hug but I think 12,000 people wanted to enjoy it with them.”  Immediately Chris says, “Pervs!”

30. Referring to all the Gymnastics judges sitting in chairs, “Look at all of those Judgy-judgersons just judging like it was their job to judge.”

31. Referring to the UK Woman Gymnast’s floor exercise music, “This sounds like something a child made on Garage Band.”

32. While watching White Water Kayaking, they had some serious problems with the announcer’s mics. Chris says, “If the color commentator’s mic goes out, then the non-color commentator needs to immediately become more colorful…cuz this is BORING!”

33. “They should dismount from the trampoline and land in a ball pit or something.”

34. During a 400M Track Race, “There.  Look at our guy.  He looks like a runner.”

35. “Face shots of slow motion running are UGLY!”

36. During Track and Field, English Gardner, the American Sprinter is announced - Chris belly laughed for a solid minute, only interrupted by him saying, “English Gardner” several times.

37. Our American Shot-Putter is a little beefy and the announcer says, “She’s in the silver medal position right now, so she could just let it all hang out.”  Immediately Chris says, “Please do NOT let it all hang out!”